Days of Thunder

Day 100

So you want to hear about Daytona? You don’t? Well, too bad.

We lived through that nightmare, now so will you. The thing is, we (I) should have known better. I had this irrational belief that the entire state of Florida was just like California, so the southern accents and baptist churches really threw me off. Too much Entertainment Tonight, I guess. Daytona is like the love child of San Antonio and Los Angeles. And it’s a total shit.

Famed for its beaches and glistening sand, we pulled in thinking it would be our first of many beach-going adventures. That’s right folks, three months of outrunning winter, and not a beach trip nor ray of sun to brag about. Now here’s what we didn’t consider: NASCAR rules the world here. You know those tyrannical parents who put tiaras on their two-year-olds and send them to beauty pageants with too much lipstick and spray tan? Daytona is a NASCAR beauty pageant. Kids have little racing hats, men show off their Harleys and crotch rockets with no helmets down International Freeway, and uncle Billybob has already got his nephew into a stock car by age four. The girls of Daytona are the girls you see in the NASCAR calendars: beautiful, bitchy, and smeared in make up. Apparently Girls Gone Wild skipped town, so any breasts leaning on the beach bartops have been replaced with the guts of old bearded men and golfers.

Daytona has some marvels, alright. Yes, we went to the beach, and yes the sand was soft and white. The sand is incidentally the birthplace of auto racing, and years ago cars would burst down the beach with blatant disregard for the crabs or snails, churning up smoke and seaweed as they hit the finish line. This history part was kinda neat.

Still, the marvel is that the beach remains a street of sorts. Cars drive by scoping out ‘the sexy ladies’ (believe me Daytona in January = zero of these unless you like mature women with high self esteem). This made me extremely uncomfortable. But it probably made Travis even more unsettled. A car full of girls drove by us, assumed a sexy girl on the beach was bathing topless and shouted, “Wooooo, party Daytona!!”, but when Trav turned his chin to them they screeched in disgust. “Ewww gross, it’s a dude!!! ” He had his shirt off and was in a pair of rolled up jeans. I guess Daytona has lesbians, too. That’s cool. But rude ones are not.

Later, another car full of girls shrieked and laughed at a robust woman getting off her night shift, “Hey fatty! Oinkkkkk”. What’s with the idiot blonds in thick eyeliner yelling obscenities and belligerant statements to strangers? This used to go on in high school at home. But we’re not in high school anymore, Toto. The parents of these girls should be ashamed. Too bad they’re likely at the track, and so can’t be bothered.

Add the above to the seat peeing, and we’re done here. Absolutely done.

Daytona is a loser.