How To Live Like A Spy

Day 204

Count how many spies you know. We’re talkin’ first name basis, comes over for beers on Friday nights and has a totally hot girlfriend named Debra. Zero? Yeah, thought so. Now how many people want to be spies? Ever single damned one of ya, that’s who. Because, let’s not kid ourselves. Who wouldn’t want to live the life of a spy? We’ve all watched James Bond and Jason Bourne do it. Spies like these disappear into the night, a new city each time. They pass out in fancy hotels and wake up in dingy alleys. They live off the grid, tapping into society’s nectar with only their resourcefulness to rely on. Spies assume multiple identities to blend in with the locals and work through the night so they can enjoy martinis by the pool in the morning. Bottom line, spies live the dream. Spies ignore the unimaginative rules that society drapes over them. They see past the boredom of suburbia and reject the ‘norm.’ And they do this all with calm and unshakeable confidence. 

We’re spies. At least we live like them. Last October, the two of us got bored with ‘normal’ in Alberta. We got itchy feet. Sold our belongings. Bought a Winnebago named Walter. As the first flakes of snow touched the ground, we set sail southward across the wide and beautiful North American continent for however long it took. So far, it’s been eight months. And you know what? After ditching the belongings and the expectant guilt and confusion revolving around the question: what am I supposed to do with my life?, you realize that living like a spy makes that question irrelevant. 

The how and the why…

Disappear

A spy will tell you: there will never be a perfect time to live like one, so today is the best day. You must commit yourself. This step is often the one that scares people the most. The anchors that hold us in place are lowered by us alone. The spy life need not be permanent. You can always crawl back to the nine-to-five if you can’t hack the lifestyle of the secret agent man. But don’t think you can just drop your job as a facility operator, don a suit, and start your next assignment. To live like a spy, you must prepare! Where do you want to wake up? How do you want to get there? What crazy things have you always wanted to do, but made excuses not to? Make lists. Cancel your cable, sell your car, form a budget. Strip it all down. Reduce your living expenses by reducing the stuff that weighs you down. Go to sleep dreaming about your new life, wake up planning your departure.

Now, that one thing that you’ve always been good at? Become an expert and make that thing mobile. Make it work while on the road. Music? Write for Bon Jovi. Accounting? Become a traveling consultant. Web design worked well for the two of us. It freed up our time so we could explore the US of A —let your spy mind spin. Work isn’t work when you’re living like a spy.

Pack your best suit and take your Secret Weapon. For us, this meant our laptops. Everything that we do centers around being connected to the outside world. Laptops deliver our morse code, if you will. For you it might be your guitar, your Quick Books software, your dog. Pack lightly. You won’t use half the stuff you drag along with you. A caveat: do bring your passport. You’re an idiot if you don’t.

When you depart, forget who you were. Leave your preconceived notions, your stereotypes, your prejudices behind. Be the spy, wiped clean, who assumes a new identity for his mission. If you think you can get away with hiding that old prejudice against raw food or ‘types’ of bad drivers, it will rear end you. You will then be an asshole, not a spy. Start fresh.

Fly Under the Radar

Spies blend in. They mingle with the locals, they glean information from unusual sources. They are social engineers. You can blend in, too. Perfect that Bostontonian accent while hollering at a Red Sox game. Or join some folks playing footy in the local field. Force yourself to strike up a conversation with beer in hand at the local watering hole. Hell, learn to camel race. Whatever you do, do it with vigour. And be humble. You are the fly on the wall, not the writer of Nat Geo’s rare culture special. 

Leave your flowered shorts at home. This is not a tourist vacation.  You’re here to learn, not to pocket stupid snow globes from flaky tours. I mean, if you want you can go on tours. Just don’t make that your sole spy purpose. You’ll only wind up feeling smart like Stephen Hawkings but with an idiot one-sided perspective.

Don’t get stuck in one place. Spies are always on the move, taking on new missions and learning about new surroundings. If you stand still too long, one of two things will happen. Either you’ll stagnate and settle, or you’ll be exposed as a fraud. If you pick a new domicile based on convenience a priori and are contemplating buying a sofa, be warned. You have ceased living like a spy. If you are exposed as a ‘tourist’ (the absolute worst thing), you are a failure and can no longer live like a spy. Never settle. Another assignment awaits. 

Wear Your Confidence on Your Sleeve

Spies are confident. They know that to falter is to risk death. Don’t let your fear make you go sniveling all the way back to Smallsville. Put your inhibitions aside. Of course you will be scared. Only a miscreant robot would venture forth unscathed by this human reaction. Squelch your fear, or better yet, feed off of the resulting adrenaline. Musicians: stroll into a pub and offer to play some folk songs. Accountants: shake hands with Burt Reynolds at a moustache mixer. Sneak your way into VIP parties as SXSW. What is the worst thing that could happen? You get kicked out of that VIP party you weren’t invited to? Burt shaved his moustache last month? No problem. He’d still shake your hand. Fake your confidence till it forcefully bleeds through your sleeve. It’s the only reliable fuel you have.

Moles will do everything in their power to raze a mission. They will pose as friends and supporters, then challenge you with pessimism. They will insist you’re making a mistake. It’s the boss who tells you he won’t hire you back. It’s the friend who tells you you’re an idiot. These soothsayers will toss doubt bombs in the way to see how quickly you can diffuse them. Spies do not tolerate moles. They stand strong against inquiry. They believe in their mission and will weed out anything that stands in the way. 

Bury the mole.

Be The King of Roulette

A spy sees opportunity in the oddest of places. He’ll beat up a mugger with a rolled up newspaper. He knows that chance will keep him alive. He knows that chance keeps things interesting. Adopt this belief, if you run out of gas, pull over and explore your surroundings. Chances are you’ll find a gas station and meet some people worth knowing along the way. Instead of mapping your entire stay in California, take the coastal drive and stop at the first grass roots motel looming in the distance. Chance leads you further outside of your comfort zone and forces you to hone your spy senses. You will begin to see things you would have missed before. Not sure? Ask yourself if you might miss something by ignoring your intuition. Chances are, if you have to ask, you’re missing it already.

Plans will change at the drop of a pin. Be flexible, be adaptable, be creative. Your ability to adjust your schedule will determine your success in living like a spy. Make short term, open-ended plans, but predict the unpredictable. If there’s rain in the forecast, don’t scale buildings. Spies are elastic. If they weren’t they’d be washed up curmudgeons. Adjust your forecast; don’t be a wash out.

Live Like Royalty, Spend Like You’re Starving

We live in a trailer. But we eat lobster dinners, visit museums, and drive expensive cars (okay we rented that Mercedes). Spies are well-versed in the art of living large, even if they’re on contract. Just the same, royalty is not about the things you own, it’s about experiences you take with you. If you want to own a mansion and eat chicken cordon bleu every morning for breakfast, this is not the life of a spy. On the other hand, if you want to stay in fancy hotels once a month and eat chicken wings as part of Happy Hour at the downstairs bar, you are most definitely living the life of a spy. Your legacy is made up of the stories you get to tell your future generations. Just like that one time Maxwell Smart bedded seven horny, intelligent women while requesting champagne via his shoe phone. Well, maybe he won’t share that one as a bedtime story. But you get the point. Live large and prosper.

Accomplices make the world worth traveling. Those times when friends or acquaintances invite you over for tea or beer or offer a place to rest your weary head? Take them up on it. Every time. This is a difficult commitment for spies. They’re apt to want to do things on their own terms. Yet giving in to supportive spy conversation and a hot spy meal acts as fuel for the road ahead. It strengthens an agent’s resolve. Spies must always return this favour, assuming they ever have a hub from which to offer their courtesy. Spies offer even when it is not convenient. Just as they save hapless victims even when it is not in their itinerary. 

Share Your Intel

Revel in your adventure. Spies secretly love to watch their own documentaries. It’s your job to inspire, so do it by: blogging, taking pictures, making videos, podcasts, writing articles, submitting to magazines. Without the empire, spies are nothing more than government workers. How glamourous is that? 

Forget Your Nine-to-Five

Spies let their passion drive their schedule. They plot their next move ferociously and then phone people on bad connections or take crowded subways at rush hour just to reach their next objective. A nine-to-five schedule is ill-suited to a spy lifestyle. Stay up through the night if you’re wired on cultural caffeine. Or sleep till one pm. You can choose to work while the boring masses are wasting away in front of the TV set. Throw your heart into the work you do. Your work will be of higher quality. And you can rove around at all hours of the day or night plotting your next geographical takeover. Just like a spy. 

Spies live in the now. They slurp up each moment as if it were their last. The truth is, time passes quickly for spies and commoners alike. You might be moving hastily from point A to point B, but these intense moments that you brush shoulders with are the richest and most meaningful you will ever have. When you spy, be a true spy. Do it with all the might you can muster. Squeeze  the juice out of life.

Will you accept this mission?

It’s only when you step outside the lines that you realize the lines don’t matter anymore. Spies know this. They understand this. They live this. 

—Rachel & Travis Gertz, Spies